Dear Justin, I am Sorry
Justin,
I am sorry. I am sorry I didn't say this sooner. I'm sorry it took me so long to come here. I knew I would need to but I couldn't forgive myself. the man you were, your spirit, has taught me so much. you have helped me grow in ways that seemed impossible. How is it possible for a camper to become the teacher for the counselor? I remember your smile and your laugh. I remember our last game with Gaga. I remember your hugs and how you’d asked me questions I didn't know a child would think up. I now know that loving you and spending time with you has helped me to know that the love of Christ surpasses life and death. I wouldn't be this strong without you and Jesus, giving me the strength to keep on going. I adore you, now and always.
-Abigail
When I initially started this healing journey, I wanted to let everyone know that I wasn't really preaching to the choir. That I too was going through this process. With the help of my inner sanctum, and the Holy Spirit, I have been reaching into my painful experiences. I've never exposed myself this much. These past 8 months, haven’t been. This adventure, however, has been the most humbling and strengthening.
I have been wanting to focus on choosing yourself and caring about others with forgiveness, ownership, and selfishness.
Healing is one of the hardest journeys I've ever had to go on. It doesn't stop when the tears end. I heard that a woman who can put herself back together needs to be feared. I used to think that this was a profound quote, until recently. I don't think this kind of woman ought to be feared. Instead, the women who can recognize the pain and hurt inside of them. Those who can look inwardly, be vulnerable, and allow the love of Christ to take every scar, use it for growth, compassion, kindness, and forgiveness.
It was 2014, when I met Justin, and now we're in 2019, 5 years later. (see why I said that healing has no timestamp?)
5 years later, after losing Justin, God has given me the opportunity, and strength to travel back to that summer. I can now reintroduce myself to the experience that contributed to the growth of not only myself, but many others who know Justin and his story.
I traveled back to camp, and as I walked up to the place I had spent 3 months living in 2014, I was nervous and scared. (Healing does that to you.) As if I was meeting the younger me, I allowed myself to walk and revisit every moment of the storm that shook us all up. I replayed every thought I had throughout the experience, retracing my steps. It wasn't until I had said my goodbyes, driven 5 minutes away from camp, and played a song from a former camper, dedicated to this experience, that I was able to let myself cry.
Oh, the tears were flowing. Even as I'm typing this post, my hands are shaking. These tears are soaking my shirt. (will they ever stop? I don't know.) The apology in the beginning of this post were the exact words I was uttering in my car as tears streamed down the chocolate cheeks.
Facing this hurt has allowed me to find why I was so afraid to face Justin. Yes, we lost a friend on this earth. Yes, I saw what nature can do to people in a matter of 5 minutes with a twister. Yes, I witnessed campers facing the wrath of nature. I wasn't able to stop the wind from whisking them in the air, tossing trees at them. As a counselor, it was my responsibility to ensure all campers were safe, but in 2014, I was unable to do that for many. How do you forgive yourself for that?
I will never forget the smile Justin had glued on his face during our last game, or what he said when I couldn't stop crying during his funeral, "Ms. Abigail, don't be sad. It's okay. I'm here, and I'm going to be waiting for you until you're ready to come here too."
When you choose to heal from the hurt residing in your soul, you will dive deeply within yourself that it’ll be you and God. Only when it's spirit and Spirit does healing have the opportunity to penetrate and take form within your soul. It is only when you allow God to show you the root of the scar, then you can forgive, love and grow.
Healing requires us to be wise and transparent, allowing our spirit to sit with the Holy Spirit . When we allow ourselves to face our hurt with love and compassion, we are able to grow and love those around us.
I can't guarantee that your healing process will be painless (in fact, it's probably going to be anything but that). Though I will tell you, it is when you stop fighting the storm that you can sit in the eye of the hurricane and make it to the end. Then may we witness the beautiful rainbow God has designed.
This was a part of my healing process that I am blessed to have shared with you all, but it's not over yet. What do you want to be healed from? What are you fighting God on? What have you been running from that God desires to use the blood and love of his Son, Jesus Christ, to heal you from? I will let you in on a secret: God and I are rooting for you. You've got this!
Until next time...
—🌿 Abigail
