A Message From Your Black Trophy Girlfriend and Your Black Token Friend
To my beautiful family. Those who heard the cry before it left my lips. Those who called when my world was falling apart and prayed for me. To those who I now call my sisters, my brothers, my tribe. I am the woman I am today because of you. I love you all, dearly, thank you.
“The purpose of life is to listen – to yourself, to your neighbor, to your world and to God and, when the time comes, to respond in as helpful way as you find…from within and without.” – Fred Rogers
Let me take you on a journey. I was hurt, I didn’t understand, until now.
Several years ago, I had just begun dating someone new and thought that they were the greatest human to have ever existed. ( see, I was already messing up; sorry Jesus) Now, like any couple in the cupcake phase, I was smitten and no matter what anyone said, I refused to accept the red flags. This guy and I were having a conversation about how multicultural is (DMV represent). Then he said:
“I am so glad I have an African girlfriend. You’re the first black girl I’ve dated and you’re a different kind of black girl, you know? You’re...African but you’re black too. Your English is so good and you speak well. I like that.”
At the time, I decided to take this as a compliment and not see it for what it really was: racial microaggression.
Months into the relationship, I met his family. I was told to be myself and that they would accept me for who I am. Sadly, this world doesn’t work that way.
Being myself meant letting my guard down and being honest and authentic. Your girl, loving all things spicy, asked for hot sauce to go with my sauce. To me, it was as simple as asking for salt because that’s my taste preference. My partner and his family didn’t see it that way.
(Yes, this is a simple story about how asking for hot sauce went terribly wrong.Yes, hot sauce shouldn’t be discriminatory but looks like you learn something new every day.Funny how people like to say, they accept you and love you for who you are only for them to come for you when you don’t fit into their box.)
Silly me, I took the hot sauce and smothered my steak with it. After returning from the trip, my partner told me that his family was hurt and upset that I asked for hot sauce and didn’t eat their food as it was.
Typical of me, I began apologizing. Though, looking back, what I really was doing was apologizing for being me (being black, African) being someone who has different taste in food and a different culture altogether. This was covert racism at its core with an intolerance for those of different cultural backgrounds due to an insecurity that had little to do with me.
Needless to say, that relationship served its course. Now let’s talk about the present.
Since the horrific, brutal, and disgusting murders of Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, and George Floyd, I have been taking some time to check in with myself. Crying whenever my memory reminds me of the second gunshot that shot through Ahmaud and the raspy voice of George calling for his mother as life was being drained from him with the knee of a power hungry murderer. (yes I said it.)
“I need to speak and say these things so white people become aware that your privilege allows you to benefit from a system that chronically affects and damages black people. Now you are aware of that, it’s not enough to say ‘I’m not racist’ because you’re not overtly racist.”
— JAMELIA
Hurt, hurt that my brothers and sisters are being lynched and murdered.
Angry, angry that instead of standing up for the black lives that have been stolen and taken senselessly, some want to justify themselves with all lives matter which we know is untrue when Black, Indigenous, Hispanic, Asian, and Pacific Islander lives do not matter.
Frustrated, frustrated, and confused as to how some can pull out a Bible verse to debate doctrine when real talk, you’re not even living the basic commandments: to love God and love others as ourselves. Righteously angry, I spent much needed time in therapy and Jesus.
Livid and sad. Sad knowing the people I thought loved me actually liked me for what they could benefit from me. Yes, being their token black friend and trophy black girlfriend to justify that they are not racist. Let me say this: if you use your association with any black person to justify how you’re not a racist, you are in fact exposing the fact that you are indeed a racist.
A post shared by The Conscious Kid (@theconsciouskid) on May 26, 2020 at 5:35pm PDT
I will not entertain evil, or anything that contradicts the Word of God, such as racism. I’ve taken the time to process my hurt, sadness, and anger as my memory keeps reminding me of how previous relationships were with those who used me as their trophy black/African girlfriend. I have prayed and have been asking God what to do with this newly recognized pain from relationships with those who called themselves my friend when in fact they using me as their token black friend by not asking and listening to the constant pain that we as a family of black, brown, beautiful souls face daily due to the systematic and institutionalized racism that has oppressed many generations. (What a run-on sentence!)
I thank God for giving me countless friends who love me just the way I am. Friends, who called as soon as they saw Ahmaud’s video. Those who made themselves available to talk, ask how they could help, and allowed me to share my experiences of racism. Friends who prayed with me, and for me. Friends who refuse to let me go a day without knowing how much they love me. Friends I now call family.
The Book of Proverbs hits this on the nail:
“As water reflects the face, so the heart reflects the person.” – Proverbs 27:19 CSB
“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a difficult time.” – Proverbs 17:17
“Don’t abandon your friend or your father’s friend, and don’t go to your brother’s house in your time of calamity; better a neighbor nearby than a brother far away.” –Proverbs 27:10 CSB
Let’s not forget these confirmations about the importance of loving people the way God made them:
“No one has greater love than this: to lay down his life for his friends.” – John 15:13
“Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their efforts. For if either falls, his companion can lift him up; but pity the one who falls without another to lift him up.” – Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
God has been using this season of pain, hurt, and self-revelation to teach us some important lessons. As a society, we have neglected since the first commandment: LOVE
Love is an action word and cannot be true unless acted upon. Love is most evident in the decision to die to oneself with empathy and standing with others, especially in seasons of greatest pain. Love is 1 Corinthians 13, John 3:16-21, Galatians 5:22-23, 1 John 5:3-4, Matthew 22:37-40, Matthew 5:43-48, John 4 and most important…the whole Bible.
“ Let love be without hypocrisy. Detest evil; cling to what is good.” – Romans 12:9
“He loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of the Lord’s unfailing love.” – Psalms 33:5
I recognize this pain and am processing it with my Father. My heart is set on making sure every soul I encounter is made aware of how valuable they are, regardless of what the world says about them. I believe and stand by the truth, that to hate God’s image-bearers is vile. To treat anyone less than, is sinful.
We must humble ourselves as a nation and listen to those who have been oppressed and understand the over 400 years of crying “ I Can’t Breath,” from the black community. God can switch this world around real quick, and act upon Mr. Rogers (the greatest neighbor to rock a red cardigan) says this best:
“more and more i’ve come to understand that listening is one of the most important things we can do for one another. whether the other be an adult or a child, our engagement in listening to who that person is can often be our greatest gift. whether that person is speaking or playing or dancing, building, or singing or painting, if we care, we can listen.”
[…]
“ as human beings, our job in life is to help people realize how rare and valuable each one of us really is, that each of us has something that no one else has – or ever will have – something inside that is unique to all time. it is our job to encourage each other to discover that uniqueness and to provide ways of developing its expression.”
[…]
“the more i think about it, the more i wonder if god and neighbor are somehow one. “loving god, loving neighbor” – the same thing? for me, coming to recognize that god loves every neighbor is the ultimate appreciation!”
As for you, my neighbor who is reading these words, I want to say thank you. Thank you for listening to my words. Thank you for being patient with me and letting me share a small glimpse of my experience. Thank you for hearing my heart and my love through my words.
Most importantly, thank you for being you.
You are important and amazing just the way you are. I love you and I’m grateful for who you are. I love you just the way you are. Let’s both do better by healing our world from its pain. Together with God, we’ve got this!
Until next time…
— 🌿Abigail
