“sometimes the end is sudden and you are left without closure, heartbroken and unprepared for such a sharp change

for a while, you live with a mind that is half here and half full of regret, wondering, "what if?"

for a while, your heart only feels grief and your mind only sees gray

and then life starts to call you back into its arena of possibility; it reminds you that all is not lost and that even though a chapter ended, there is still a loner story to be told

with time and intention, wounds lose their heaviness, healing fills the tough parts of your being, and you awaken the light of love within yourself

in time, you will return fully into the precious now with a heart that feels refreshed and ready to move forward.”

–yung pueblo ( clarity & connection, pg. 67)

When I close my eyes, I return to those moments of pain and abandonment, I can sense my chest rising a bit more than typical. I can feel the tightness trying to suffocate my lungs. I can feel the softball sized lump building up in my throat. but then I open my eyes and realize, I am not there anymore.

No matter how many years of therapy and how many journal entries I’ve gone through, going back to those days, and those moments, still hurts. Days when I had to tell my mother that you cheated on her more times she can count. I remember the sadness in my heart when you walk out on mom, my brother, and me. Those days when we had to figure out if we were going to be homeless after exhausting every resource we had to ensure two disabled people could live to see the next day.

When I picture days like December 1, 2018 when I woke up at 6AM to find a text from my brother that my only grandparent has passed away. Recalling the agonizing pain of trying to breath and yet feeling as if all forms of darkness were already closing in. The disappointment of wanting to hear, “I am here with you, I am praying for you, what do you need,” but instead got a text that said, "okay, sorry."

When I close my eyes and return to those moments, I sense the agony and pain. Therapy doesn't erase trauma. The heartbreak is still there but the difference is that I can open my eyes now and not have to live in that moment.

Interestingly, when I read this poem, I felt as if yung pueblo understood why moments of heartbreak are important to go back to. Moments when each wrong step felt oh so right. To reflect and understand the impact of those gut wrenching moments. That the abuse, abandonment, terror, and pain all happened.

There are many reasons why healing is a beautiful journey to be on and the blessing of being able to reflect on where you have been is one of them. Yes, there are moments when it seemed like no matter how many nights you cried yourself to sleep, you would still wake up to the chest pains. 

Looking back, I can tell you that there will come a time that you'll wake up and realize that the nightmare has faded. 

You'll still feel the pain of the past but you'll also feel the encouragement of the present and realize that despite what heartache life throws your way, you have overcome what was impossible. Your heart will refresh as you continue to move forward.

–Abigail