Not the Possibility of You, But You
AB: you know he has these amazing qualities that I admire in people, and I want within myself, but I just don't know.
HL: Like which part of him are you attracted to spiritually?which parts of Him do you want in friendship and which parts are you attracted to in a relationship?
AB: Honestly, his desire to keep growing closer to God and wanting to chase after the Lord is beyond the moon for me because I want that too. I want to keep chasing God. He deepens his relationship with the Lord through Scripture and service, and it's genuine because it's not to impress anyone or say here I am. Unless you dig it out of him, you wouldn't even know what he does for the glory of God. That's what attracts me to him spiritually, and I want that in all my friendships. Though, INTIMATELY, I think it's admirable that he prioritizes his family and speaks highly of them no matter what. His actions show that he wants to let god take full Rain over his life. how inviting he is to every person is something I want in EVERYONE I’m CONNECTED TO. He doesn't speak poorly of anyonE and that speaks volumes to me. I want to love people for who they are, grow friendships, and see where God leads that.
I have always been an honest person, no matter what. I share all my struggles (always with the Lord and some with others). So it's no surprise that I'm going to be sharing with you a recent chapter of my life.
I know that it's apparent that I have been going through a whole lot of growth and self-awareness. Since doing these things for myself, I have learned about what my red flags are in friendships and relationships. I’ve learned what is non-negotiable for me, what are quirky and different traits, and habits that I just don't understand but adore in others. Mindfulness and discernment have been tools the Lord has been teaching me as I’m grow in all my relationships with people.
I have been chatting with the Lord, and my inner circle about different opportunities that have presented themselves on my path, and one of those chats has been on intimate relationships.
As I was chatting with one of my girls, she asked me a question 👆🏾 that has been echoing in my heart and mind.
I realized that in the past, I would say yes to men who I saw the good in them and believed in who they wanted to become. However, they weren't who they could be yet and similar to all of us, they were a work in progress. I said yes to people for the possibility of who they can be instead of who they are. (No this post isn't about bashing anyone, y'all know me. I'm here to talk about self-realizations and state facts.)
See there's a difference in who someone can be and who they really are. Clarity on a person is something that God presents in your interactions with that person, but somehow, men and women both, we pretend we don't see it. It's like when there's dishes in the sink and you know you ought to clean that up but instead of being proactive and taking care of what's important you pretend you didn't see it. (Don't look at me people🙅🏾♀️, I love my dishwasher because I become uncomfortable when there's dishes in the sink 🤣)
There's a difference in the idea of someone (the idea of loving someone) and who that person truly is (genuinely loving who that person is). If we allow ourselves to see people truly for who they are, not what we feel towards them, we gain clarity on if people can sit in the boat of my life with us and row equally? We are able to love unconditionally when we look at people for who they are and not the facade they’ve been displaying. The beauty of each person is found in the core of souls and the level of transparency and honesty they have. Our beauty is found in the Lord and as we allow Him to take control we become more beautiful that we could’ve ever imagined.
I've been looking at recent opportunities (both in friendships and relationships) this way and have realized that there are those who I just mesh with because we're in alignment and I see them for who they are at this very moment instead of meshing with those who (though are great people in their own making) I believe they can be this better version of themselves.
Someone told me while I was in high school and I think I wrote a post similar to this ( Would You Marry That Behavior ), who you say yes to at the altar is who that person currently is, not the possibility of who that person can be. Marriage is all about dying to yourself, take our relationship with Christ for example. Believing in people is great and all but have you ever loved someone for who they are? Now that's what I call dope love (and cue my slang; I've got no filter here people🤣). I refuse to allow myself to backtrack by choosing people and opportunities that require me to heal and fix a person. I'm exhausted from doing that. (Okay the emotions are speaking y'all. Let’s be honest, I don’t have a masters in how to be Jesus so I’m not even going to try 🙅🏾♀️)
I've always said that healing others is not my responsibility, but love is. Loving someone means loving them for who they are at the present time because you see them for them. When love is healthy, genuine, and unconditional it gives both people room for growth individually, spiritually, emotionally, and psychologically.(we really can't control that aging thing though; is that a grey hair I see on my head?!) Unconditional love allows us to love one another and grow together though, how can we love and grow together if we have a fabricated version of someone implanted in our psyche and refuse to put on the lenses of God (who created us) so we may see one another for who we truly are? When you date or choosing to be friends with someone, you're not just adding their positive traits of a person to your life, but their “need to work on” qualities too. Do both parts of the person mesh with you and who you want to be in life, who God wants you to be in life? (You know the answer to that and be mindful that we're all imperfect being loved by a perfect Father.)
It takes being able to face yourself, sit with yourself, and learning who you are in-depth (this is a continuous thing) to be able to know, truly know, if the character of someone and the interactions of a person align with who you are aiming to be and who you currently are.
When my friend and I had this talk, we were talking about a guy that piqued my interest. I really treasure having a friend like her who could give me the responsible room to face these questions honestly. As she asked more questions, I realized what I've been sharing with you guys on this post, and I realized that loving someone in a friendship and a relationship are two different experiences that we mix up too often because of insecurities, self-esteem, doubt, lack of education and lacking traits we have within ourselves.
To fall in love with someone for the purpose of friendship and to fall in love with someone for the purpose of a relationship are questions I ought to ask myself more often when opportunities present themselves (and I think we can all agree with that).
There's room for clarity, honesty, transparency, vulnerability, and growth for both parties when we allow ourselves to look at people for what they are. However, make sure to always come from a place of unconditional love and unconditionally loving someone doesn't mean they have to be all the way in your life. Some people's gifts are better suited for the front row of the bus, some for the middle row, others for the back portion, and some can be removed from the bus and still be loved unconditionally. Evaluate with honesty and transparency; trust me when I say it'll save you a headache🤕 and some more.
Until next time…