To The One Who Wanted To Give Up
I don't want to tell you something that you've already heard.
I'm not going to come and hug you and then tell you everything is going to be okay, even though I want to hug you right now.
I'm not going to tell you that by going to sleep, when you wake up in the morning, everything will be better because I'm not a liar. I know that the pain will still be there in the morning.
I'm not going to sugar coat jack because guess what? I'm not fake.
So what do I tell you? What can I say to you right now even though everything seems to be crumbling around you? What do I say to ease your pain? What can I do to help you?
All I can do is tell you the truth. The truth which is that I…have...been...there and it sucks!
I hate this feeling too. Yeah, that feeling of never being enough. That awful feeling that no matter how hard you try, this unexplainable pain is still residing inside of you. I wish I could perform a psychological surgery and remove this depressive mental state away. But...it doesn't work that way.
Yeah, we can go and see a therapist. I recommend it because it worked for me. Yeah, we can go and see a psychiatrist and I recommend that too. But this pain may just never go away and it may seem that all is lost.
You have fought for so long. You have been the strong one and never gave in. You've pushed yourself to what seems to be your limit and then some more. I know because I...have...been...there too.
Let's be even more honest than we already have. I don't have your perfect antidote. I know, you wanted an exact formula to heal you but I'm not you, my dear. I can't fix you but I can love you and I can tell you what saved me.
They saved me. Who are they? My mother, father, brother, best friends, my professors, and most importantly...my grandmother. How?
They have all sacrificed everything for me. Each person mentioned above has laid down everything in hopes of seeing me and seeing me live this life to the fullest.
It was the reminder that my mother and father sacrificed their comfortable home in Ghana for my education, joy, and success. It was the reminder that my brother, though 9 years younger than me, looks up to me and wants to see me make it in everything I set my mind to. It was the reminder that all the beautiful humans that called me friend valued the genuine smile they initially fell in love with. It was the reminder on the day that she left this earth, the day my grandmother completed her mission, that I recalled that nothing, absolutely nothing, in this world would make her happier than to see me ( broken, hurting, and ratchet in all) living a life that is filled with joy and hope.
They saved me. They rescued me from calling it quits. My rescue didn't come in a red EMS truck even though I was close to it. No, it came in the sense of my best friend (even though I had hurt her with this depression) sacrificing what was comfortable for her by coming and remind me that it's okay to feel this pain.
She, they, and God reminded me that the very life I had been given was meant to save others through the smile and joy they initially fell in love with.
I couldn't save myself at my lowest point. I don't think anyone by themselves can. I couldn't do it and guess what it's okay because it doesn't make me weak. It makes me stronger to know that I am not strong by myself.
It was the constant eyes of worry and pain that on the faces of those who treasured me the most that saved me. It was God using each soul around me to remind me that I am so freaking precious!
So what do I tell you my dear who is currently questioning if you are enough?
Don't run. Stay. Don't lie to yourself saying that this will all go away if you don't focus on it. Stay true to yourself. Don't allow anyone to call you crazy for hurting because darling, you're the only one that knows your pain. Stay pure to who you are. You, everything in you, will project you to become a dope source of power. Stay.
It wouldn't instantly go away with medication. The doctors will tell you that. It wouldn't instantly go away if you run. You'll have to return at some point. It wouldn't instantly go away if you blame or try to project your hatred and pain on someone else. You're too grown and strong for that my love.
No. The only way I know that this pain, this depression, these thoughts of giving up will ever shut up is when you look in the mirror and you allow yourself to be so darn vulnerable that you end up drenching your clothes with the tears that have been stored up from within. When you allow yourself to rinse your soul and your pain with the tears that you've been so afraid to release, your vision becomes clearer.
My love, you will be able to see the souls that need and want you to stay. When you accept that it hurts and that you are in pain, you begin to realize that the pain that has been sitting in your psyche was meant to be released. At this point, you will understand why you can't give up: because you need you.
You can't quit because there is a freaking beautiful force of nature climbing its way out of the darkness. You have it in you. I promise. You can and trust me, you will. How do I know?
I...have...been...there. And guess what? I am now thriving and I'm living my life to the fullest. I didn't use a quick fix (whatever that is). I had to face the music: I am and will always be more than any depression or any form of negativity that will try to shut down.
It took realizing that I'm a fierce and intimidating beast of nature with the key to the Kingdom of Heaven for me to realize that I deserve to overcome this battle that has been raging my mind. By realizing that there were credible people who saw and believed (they still do this very moment that I'm writing this post) that I, Abigail Badu, can conquer any and all enemies that present themselves on my journey. I have allowed myself to become a woman that depression is now afraid of.
Darling, you are beyond this depressive state. You are so beyond it! I cannot convince you that and you may say, "well, Abigail, I don't have all those people you had." But who cares if you had 100 people backing you up or only two (Jesus and I)? You are destined to tell your story and write a letter just like this: of how you were about to give up but persevered. I know that you can because it's 3 AM as I'm writing this ( I cannot sleep because I know that you need this truth to bespoke to you).
How do I know that you are beyond this momentary thought of giving up?
Until next time...
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