I Am Scared...

©AbigailBadu

I'm scared. I'm actually anxious to tell you about this but…I'm going to do it anyway.

I've been asked recently about how I was able to overcome the worst depression I've ever faced, and I have to confess something to you guys:

Confessions are scary. They make all of us feel uncomfortable and yes I mean all of us, myself included. You know me, I love respectful confrontations and honesty. Sometimes a little too much because I know I make people feel uncomfortable but I'm not apologizing for that. Confessions, on the other hand, they so far past my comfort zone I forget what comfort is when I have to allow myself to share what makes me feel the most uncomfortable voluntarily.

Though I'm uncomfortable, I will confess this: I am scared.

I am scared of the younger Abigail. I am afraid of facing God without doing what he has called me to do. (I know wow, a Christian that's afraid of meeting God, how ungodly right?! Put down the pitchforks and stop judging me already!)

There are very few things in this world that scare me. Heights, eating spiders (thank you Fear Factor), being forever hungry (forget forever alone, food is where it's at), and scary clown/doll movies (don't bring that Chucky mess near me). But these fears are nothing compared to the dreadful feeling of possibly disappointing the younger version of myself. Nothing in this world makes me want to crawl under a rock as much as perhaps hearing Jesus say, “I do not know you.”

Oh man! Guys, this terrifies me so much that I'm struggling to type this post!

©AbigailBadu

Lately, I've been going harder and harder on pursuing what God has called for me to do on this Earth and prioritizing the joy that I've been blessed with because of these fears. I know, it's like I got a revelation or something right?! But seriously though, I have come to realize that this reckless love of Christ we tend to sing about is half the story. It's just the beginning of our story, our lives. It's the beginning part of the equation called life. We start off with the beautiful gift of Christ and his ridiculously, indescribable love but we cannot successfully finish this equation, this story, without reckless self-abandonment.

It terrifies me that there is a possibility that by choosing not to pursue my truth, refusing to love regardless of circumstances, abandoning the pursuit of living in peace with others and within myself, plus not allowing myself to be saturated in the infinite joy that I've been blessed with, I will ultimately disappoint the younger me. (There goes the run on sentences!)  I cannot see 6-year-old Abigail applauding and cheering for the version of me when I was in my depression. I cannot see 8-year-old Abigail supporting a version of me that doesn't love and forgives first.

I know, what some people may think. You can never disappoint God. But I believe you can allow yourself to be less than what God knows can be. You can let yourself to be the worst version of yourself by refusing to embrace the best version of who God destined for you to become. Ultimately disappointing yourself, those who love you, and eventually hearing God say, “This is not the  (fill in the blank) I created you to be,” is gut-wrenching!

This thinking all started when I revisited these verses:

'not that there is another gospel, but there are some who are troubling you and want to distort the gospel of Christ. I am amazed that you are so quickly turning away from him who called you by the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel — But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach to you a gospel contrary to what we have preached to you, a curse be on him! As we have said before, I now say again: If anyone is preaching to you a gospel contrary to what you received, a curse be on him! For am I now trying to persuade people, or God? Or am I striving to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. '

- Galatians 1:6-10 (CSB)

'Imitate me, as I also imitate Christ. '

- 1 Corinthians 11:1

' “No one can serve two masters, since either he will hate one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money. '

- Matthew 6:24

So here's my question to you:

  • Would the younger you be proud of who you are right now?

  • Could you see the 7-year-old version of yourself applauding you for who you are becoming/have become?

  • Would Jesus say, “I do not know you,” if he saw you right now?

These are questions I had to ask myself at my lowest point and to be honest, I refuse to make any decision without playing these questions through my mind.

So next time you want to give someone a piece of your mind, next time you are ready to hit the block button, next time you think about allowing someone into your life, next time you just about type that website into the search bar, next time you want to uncork that bottle, next time you want to buy what you know you can't afford, next time you mentally abuse yourself with negative thoughts, next time you think of another excuse as to why didn't do what the Holy Spirit told you to…ask yourself these questions. (What a ridiculously long sentence, Jesus have mercy on my grammatical errors.) It scares the mess out of me!

Until next time…

-🌿Abigail