Ouch; The Worst Thing I Ever Said to Myself
Before I begin, I want to indicate something that I believe I have already covered throughout this website: This is a safe space. This website is where I share the most personal experiences, lessons, and thoughts I have. My blog is found under the principle that by choosing self-love, prioritizing our relationship with Jesus, and loving everyone the way God does we can tap into who we were always meant to be. With this said, please be sensitive to the information I'm about to share with you.
The worst thing I ever said: you are not enough.
There are no censored words in the sentence above, but it doesn't mean that it hurts any less. I know, how can someone so bubbly and positive say something like this to herself. Actually, how can one be positive without understanding what it means to experience negativity?
As the first born to two beautiful Ghanaian parents, growing up was an internal battle. Now, this is nothing against my parents so get that correct first. This is about how I allowed unnecessary stress and the unreasonable pressure to be perfect in everything I did to control my perspective of who God had created.
I could get all As on my test, and with just one B I begin to beat myself down mentally. Whether it was school, church, family, or friends, one misstep was a ticket to this awful mental state. No matter what my parents or friends or leaders would say, I would continue to believe that I wasn't good enough. You couldn't save me from myself when I got to this point (I told you this was personal).
I guess this is why when I accepted Christ, I went all out. For the first time in my life, I didn't need to prove my worth by the things I did well or didn't do well. For once, my value was determined by the one that loves me the most instead of the things I could do. Though this sounds beautiful and all, this was a tough pill to swallow (and I'm still taking thus medicine). To allow one's self to comprehend the negative results of their thought process so that they may be able to not only be aware but transform negativity into positivity is one of the hardest challenges of internal success.
Even after I accepted Christ, if I liked someone and the feelings weren't reciprocated, I would begin to list reasons as to why I wasn't good enough for that person. 9 years later, I have come to realize a couple of things that I need to let you on:
1| To put yourself down in any way is a complete slap in the face to your Creator.
-You are his masterpiece. You don't get to put yourself down because you didn't create the beautiful being that you are. God is obsessed with all that you are (good and broken). Just as it's disrespectful to bash an artist's work without fully understanding the magnitude of the piece, you don't get a pass to speak poorly of yourself because you haven't even gotten to realize all that you are and are capable of doing.
2| You must get the source and verify.
Any form of mental abuse that you do to yourself doesn't come from the only credible being, God. It doesn’t even please God. Not once in the Scriptures does God speak poorly of his children. Instead, he continues to reiterate that we are worthy, precious, love, relevant, and beloved. It doesn't come from God then it's a lie. Case and point.
3| Scripture and your voice matter the most in moments when you least feel broken.
Knowing that the power of life and death is in the tongue, we must emphasize the importance of speak the truth that is proven in the Word of God when it comes to how we see ourselves. You can get as crazy as me and wake up every day saying, “you are loved. You are important. Your value and worth are beyond all forms of wealth. You are His.”
'You are all fair, my love, And there is no spot in you. Come with me from Lebanon, my spouse, With me from Lebanon. Look from the top of Amana, From the top of Senir and Hermon, From the lions’ dens, From the mountains of the leopards. You have ravished my heart, My sister, my spouse; You have ravished my heart With one look of your eyes, With one link of your necklace. How fair is your love, My sister, my spouse! How much better than wine is your love, And the scent of your perfumes Than all spices! Your lips, O my spouse, Drip as the honeycomb; Honey and milk are under your tongue; And the fragrance of your garments Is like the fragrance of Lebanon.'
'But now, thus says the Lord, who created you, O Jacob, And He who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are Mine.'
'For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.'
I spent parts of my childhood putting down this beautiful woman, and now, with each day that I am given, I get to build her up in truth. Truth that she is loved beyond all measure. Truth that she doesn't need to worry about being perfect because each day is her opportunity to be perfected in Christ. Truth that all that good in her is precisely who she is and nothing less of that. Each day is my chance to love on Abigail because she's more than enough.
Until next time…