Dear Abigail, It Weighs On Me That...
I didn't tell you were beautiful more often.
I didn't tell you how priceless you are.
I didn't tell you how loved you are.
I didn't tell you how truly powerful you are.
I didn't tell you how strong you are.
Who would've thought that the very same 15-year-old girl that was crying so loudly in her bedroom when she accepted Christ would grow up to be me? Who would've had thought the 7-year-old elementary school girl that struggled to understand why she was called ugly by her classmate would grow up to me? Who would've thought the 4-year-old child that refused to share her opinion around her classmates would grow into this? Who would've thought?
Not I. It's sad, but I'm grateful that it took me this long to realize the importance of loving myself. Seeing that all I wanted to do with my life was love on others, I never realized how by loving on myself I would be able to enjoy those I treasured. I know, how ironic right?
It seemed that no matter how much those around me shared their perspective of who I am, nothing was ever enough. Seriously, you could tell me that I was beautiful, but I wouldn't believe you because the toxic memories of rejection and lies of my worth overshadowed any positive thing that would be said to me.
So what changed? The simple answer is: I did. Let's go more in depth.
It took a while as I said, but the more I learned about the woman God had initially created me to be, the more I fell in love with her. The Abigail I was familiar with was bold, stubborn, and quick to speak up when something was unjust. But then I was afraid of disappointing those she loved and struggled to be comfortable within myself because of the possibility of being rejected. Sadly, the fear of disappointing those I loved and rejection made it easier for me to not just sink into accepting that there wasn't goodness found in me but also forgetting who and whos I was.
Slowly as the depression began to age, I started realizing that the essence of who I am is all good. Do you know how there's a psychological debate on whether people are born good and become bad or vice versa? Well, I've come to adopt my own perspective. People are created to be good but can allow the lies, pain, and fears of life to reveal their potential to be the worse versions of themselves.
While I was accepting all the negative connotations about myself, I would selfishly reject the love that God kept shooting my way. Remember when I said that even though those around me tried to bring the best out of me, I rejected it? Well, whenever God would allow me to see the goodness (the parts of who I am that are meant to bring me success), I would reject them. But not anymore.
If you ask me right now if I believe that I'm beautiful, I will tell you yes.
If you ask me right now if I believe that I am strong, I will tell you stronger than you and I could ever imagine.
If you ask me right now if I believe that I am worthy, I will tell you though physically I'm a sinner, I know that because I'm HIS, I'm worth more than all the rubies in the world.
If you ask me right now if I believe that I am loved, I will tell you more than the universes combined.
'for you were bought at a price. So glorify God with your body. Don’t you know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, '
'Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. By his own choice, he gave us birth by the word of truth so that we would be a kind of firstfruits of his creatures. '
'When I am filled with cares, your comfort brings me joy. '
'Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort. He comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ overflow to us, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation. If we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings that we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that as you share in the sufferings, so you will also share in the comfort. '
'For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.'
This isn't pride but confidence in who my Creator made. This is me taking a good look at the beautiful woman God has designed and predestined for me to become and I'm embracing her. This is where I get to say, "yes I love myself." And guess what? I don't feel guilty. I'm no longer concerned about the possibility of being rejected or disappointing those around me. Instead, I'm now welcoming the Abigail God loves enough to sacrifice his only Son for. Instead of listening to lies from my insecurities and those who want to bring me down, I surround myself with those who God has ordained to live in my today, tomorrow, and forever. Instead of seeing myself as less than, I now see myself as the daughter of the Most High.
It wasn't an easy journey. I had to let go of plenty of friends, relationships, unfruitful goals. It hurt, and it cost me some months of experiencing the darker side of who I could be. However instead of saying that the darker side of myself was the real me, I have now come to realize the Abigail that pours out love, prioritize self-care, gives hugs because she can, speaks life into her life and those around her, never gives up on the beauty within all people, and stands up to negativity is the Abigail I was always born to be. That is the Abigail Jesus fought so hard on the cross for. That's the Abigail I get to share with the world. This Abigail is here to stay, so get comfortable seeing consistent love and a whole lot of Jesus!
Not once did I think that I would be sitting here at this shop, sipping tea and writing a letter to my younger self letting her know how precious and vital she always has always been. Not once did I think that I would have the courage to share how much I adore who I am with the world. But here I am doing it and guess what? You need to love on you too.
Until next time…